Will you roll with me ?

2011-09-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

i am ashamed of thoughts that were given form through tongue.
Cut off this tongue i do not want to speak. for the words i choose, are blunt and raw.

i've come to realise there's a huge personality flaw within me
i couldnt answer.
is this human irrationality or maybe that's just an excuse, the flaw is me.
i wonder why can't i be the better person. at least some time, so i wont have to feel so guilty and lousy.

2011-08-14T05:56:00.000-07:00

When all things fail, where do we turn to ? she pondered. With her usual thinking stance, her head cocked to the right, her lips pursed in concentration.

2011-08-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

Jealously holds her hand like a best friend, even better yet like a lover. The distaste that taints her tongue like bile.

She feels it churning away, that green eyed being within her, she pushes it aside. Logic over emotions she chants. Emotions are irrational she says. Or is it ? She wants to lock herself away where nothing can reach her, in a glass case for all to see, but nothing to touch.

But she wants to go out, she wants to taste the air.

2011-08-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

What makes someone strong enough to withstand the dog eat dog world out there?

How much can they take before they feel like they can't even lift themselves out of bed and continue on with everyday life ?

With this i realised, maybe sometimes, snide remarks can really make someone's day. Be it a passing comment or a judgement. She's so fat and ugly she'd never get laid *laughter* I wonder what is it in us that makes us pass such comment. i started questioning, do i derive joy from the misery of others? Does it make me feel better that i put someone down, and if it does, im really disgusted with myself. If i have insecurities it doesnt make me any more different from the next girl, these insecurities make me sensitive to the topic, and thus maybe by trying to project it on someone else and laugh it away maybe then i can decrease my cognitive dissonance. ):
i need to stop these mean comments and perhaps then things would be better. i will be a better person.

im losing my light going astray.

2011-07-24T08:52:00.000-07:00

Tell me, what is love?
I don't think id ever be able to explain it, but it is something to experience.

i always thought that being in love changes someone, makes one more kind because they have already seen the beauty in life. Let's one become more compassionate and less spiteful to others. But never in a way have i ever thought someone would go all out to say that other people are just jealous of the love they have and meaning it in such a distasteful way. Doesnt being in love, such an attainment, such a glory, soften one ? So they really do not have the love you guys have but is that any way to shoot them ? i find it horrifying to think that people cant just be the better person and the image of love so pure, gets tainted. i know it isnt as bad as it seems but its so confusing. Give them they love they lack because you can do so. maybe then they'd understand (?).

it just makes me think. is it not love when you are able to go around spreading more love than before? and thus feel even more wholesome and complete? why spread hate and spite when you are in love ? doeesnt that just mean you are not so much so in love to be able to feel like you would want everyone to feel that way ?

sheeesh, all over one sentence.

2011-06-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

I stay seated in the room, all dark.
It's rather familiar, yet in the pit of my stomach a brewing mixture of nausea and emptiness is all i can feel.
I close my eyes, i feel nothing and yet i feel everything.
It's overwhelming, yet its what i grasp on to feel like i have something or at least i am alive.
The light emitted from the laptop lights the face of the clock, its 3am.
I stay here seated with thoughts astray, hooking them up from fishlines.
The bells are ringing from within my head, the room's a spinning, now tell me are you afraid ?
im not so, but does the fault lie in that?
fleeting glances from left to right, scratch sounds at the door.

so what's going on ?

2011-06-15T05:58:00.000-07:00

I always wondered,
why as a child we had aspirations that most of the time were considered unrealistic.

"Why can't i be an electric guitar shredding face painted rock star?"
"Why can't i be milk man ( just because he has to be a man )."
"I can be an accountant ! ( ewwwww ? )

We always get answers like, dont be silly dear, be realistic. Reality is a bitch then. As we grow up, our aspirations become altered, like for example, "i'm going to be an accountant", no offense to accountants/ accounting people/accounting things/accounting aliens but unless you really love numbers and working with your OCD, i dont see how you can actually enjoy that job. In place to make up for the fact you can't be what you want, you push it to the side, and say its a Hobby.

I don't know, it just makes me feel pretty sad to think when we grow up, we lose sight of how it is like to be fun, to want fun, to enjoy the simplest of things. We were once able to say "Heyyyy i want to be an astronaut ! " let your kids aim unrealistically to fuel their imagination and in fact there is no pain in letting them aim high. what if every rock star's parents told them don't be silly crushing their dreams.
on a side note: sheeeeesh, i wanted to be part of the fire brigade, just because im bad ass. chhhhbooya.

For fear that one day, id forget how it was to be like who i am at this very moment, and who would be there to tell me that, " you know you've turned into an old prune".

Ex-wife, Fiction R column, 7th book, page 111 line 5 2nd word.

2011-06-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

Ex-wife, Fiction R column, 7th book, page 111 line 5 2nd word.

She felt as though she was parading in the nude while shopping for her groceries. The eyes that followed her, mocking her. She heard the hushed speech, the gossips between the cashiers eyeing her, and they thought she couldnt see nor hear them, fools. She felt as though she was floating and life was a blur. As she continued to push the cart down each isle, she saw pieces of her fragmented memory of the not so distant past that had actually left her scarred.

Oh, there she was, first meeting him in a class. He was a looker and a sweet talker at that. He sat next to her, and introduced himself. That's where it all began. She stretched upwards, on her tippy toes to reach for a can of pickles, she flailed her arms and slapped a whole row off the shelves.This was unintentional, but it didnt stop her from just swiping a can off the floor and leaving the murder scene as it was.She proceeded on dauntingly.

Fast forward, there she was holding his hand, she say how her face glowed and radiated. He had that endearing lopsided smile on and she with her grinning like a chesire cat.She pursed her lips into a thin line and knotted her brows, fight these memories, she slashed and watched it gush out and bleed till it dried. She hurled a packet of soap suds into the cart, it ripped open upon impact and spat out soap ever so slightly.Why was it so difficult to carry on with mundane chores, to even breathe.

Oh, there they were tying the knot together, saying their vows in front of their loved ones. Did time pass that fast then? why couldnt it stay that simple, that happy. She was bathed in diamonds all glitter and shimmer.It was her grandmother's dress.She tripped on a mop that was left at the side of the sushi stand. Falling to her knees, she had scrapped it against the rough tiles. She stifled a yelp of pain that stung her. She got up, rearragned her facial features to assemble a look of composure. She was not going to lose it in public. Not here. No one was to see her like "that".

The fights started, He stopped coming home for dinner. He didnt kiss her goodbye, he snapped at her, answered so curt it hurt. The bed was cold, his side still made up. The house so empty, it echoed so obviously throughout. "Hey mom, it's me again. Yes i'm alright. Yes im eating my medicines. Yes i've .. Mom just listen to me for a second. No, just. Yeahhh i know. I'm holding up pretty alright. yeah ok talk to you later..." *click*, She had stashed a packet of gum in her bag while the counter lady was back facing her. She smirked for just a while, and just like vanishing ink, it dissipated into thin air.

The big fight, vases smashed, the curtain on fire. He slammed the door wailing like a mad idiot, but she still loved that mad idiot. Her heart fell to the floor with a dull thud, everything just became part of the background. The next day in the mail, a letter addressed to her. He filed for divorce. She grabbed 4 bottles of vodka and gin, and stuck a bottle right into her mouth drinking it like a baby to a milk bottle. Tears streamed down her face, caressing it like silk.

She checked out at the counter. No more memories, she repressed them with a dam. she swiped the card, paid hardly any attention to the haggard old lady at the counter, and half dragged her purchases to the convertible. Why couldn't things just be the way it was? She took a swig of vodka, and proceeded to start the engine.

She signed the paper work and hope he was happier this way. it's been too long since she saw him smile. if only... he'd smile that way for me again, as friends in a few years putting this past us. she closed her eyes and hoped for the dreams to relieve her of life.

2011-06-07T07:19:00.001-07:00

It's pretty true.
what do i want from life ? i ask what can life offer to me, but somehow i dont think about what i can give back to life itself.
directionless, identity-less.
who am i and what can i do to make this life work ?
sheeesh, i need my younger sister to shoot me down. as if i havent been adding one plus one myself. yet i dont do anything about it. growing up. start finding something. be a better person.
i dont want to conform to such stress, i cant handle it, but i need to do something about it. it's just so difficult sometimes, to handle life itself, its like im loosing my grip.
but it's never too late for change huh ?

i want to do so much more. fighting these sobs that shake and tremor me to my very core.
i am no longer a child nor a youth, fun should not be for me. i have it good i know, i take it for granted, oh defense mechanisms how you have failed me.

it's difficult.

2011-05-03T06:01:00.000-07:00

With tears like pearls, sliding down her cheeks in endless streams, she was weeping the death of a loved one."Mommy, where is Uncle jaq going when he sleeps forever?" Her eyes all sorrow and confusion, how could a mother look straight into her face and tell her the truth. "Why dont i tell you a story my love, a story about the place Uncle Jaq is going when he sleeps forever". Her eyes shimmered and the tears ceased to taint her cherubic face.

It's a land where people float and have wings that do not flap (it's for show: she whispered). It's fluffy and white. (the girl interjected; like cotton candy? the mom shakes her head). If anything, the land where people got what they wanted...

2011-03-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

Lying on the floor, drowning in nothing but emotions.
Emotions of the rawest form, emotions in its purest state.
States like this i fall into, chips away pieces of me day by day.
Days that i seem to lose count of, Days that i seem to never remember.
Remembering how i was once before, but will never be again.
Again and again, i am haunted by the reminders of you.
You were something, but now you are nothing.
Nothing matters any more

If i may ask, these emotions are useless and baseless, and yet they get the better of me. now whose to blame?
click.

2011-03-26T02:47:00.000-07:00

i am a little confused. everyone has days like these right ? not being able to pin point your emotions. but deep down you know why but you wont acknowledge it. now whose fault is it ? denial denial. take the problems of others, blow it up like a doll, and then fret over how much you have fed it with exaggerated thought that eventually led it to being a size too big. then you wonder, why care so much ?
In a world that is driven by social obligations and what not (i sure wished we were all schizotypals? or was it schizoids, ah well) it'd be better right. if no one actually knew the definition of living life. what you didnt know would have never hurt you. the freedom you never knew nor tasted would have never posed to be a problem until you realise you had clipped wings. you were content in that bubble, but when you stick your head out of it, then you realise, compare. and think think think think. people say it is unfair. but is it ? i mean have you ever considered the situational circumstances. judge not lest you be judged too. why do we hold such an critical outlook to life? in the end, no one has the answers you seek. because the answers are deep within you, under all those folds/alyers of fatty thoughts. burn the fat away, liposuction it away, slit it away. do whatever it takes, to find answers to the questions. but i would like to believe by the time you are half way through, our sad memory just fails and you forget the reasons for proceeding. why is the human memory so susceptible to false recollection, editing. are we that vulnerable? is forgetting the only way we deal ?

clicking away on the pen.

2011-03-12T05:24:00.001-08:00

She crossed the line, never to return. but what if she wanted to return? it was only out of pure self preservation. Was it allowed?
confusion like seated while lying down. how do you know which is which? close your eyes, and spin 10 rounds, which direction are you facing now? following your gut feelings.

this will not do. will not at all.
turn back now before its too late. you dont know what you are asking for.

2011-03-11T05:01:00.000-08:00

oh hailey. tell me why do humans seek out the one thing that hurts them the most?
Love.

At times like this i wish i wasnt a girl. Because i believe girls are predisposed to feel too much, and react in ways that are irrational. I hate emotions. because i know im the one thinking too much. and i cant tell you a thing because it isnt the right time. what do i have to lose ? not much. but still. i hate. being. a girl. UGH.

i always wondered is it fair for someone to always be initiating things. let's hang out, lets do this and do that. i always wondered why is the person initiating never tired of just trying and feeling under appreciated. then i realised, we fight for our own happiness.

2011-02-20T23:30:00.000-08:00

click click click

choices and decisions are what one has control over.
it is influenced swayed and persuaded bu others or circumstances.
they always say its mind over matter.
so one day what if you decide to drop everything you believe in, just because ?
why root yourself so firmly to the ground when you dont even know what you should root yourself to.
is it really that easy to change your decisions ? what are your morals rooted to? right and wrong ? to you or to others. when is the last time, you did something which wasnt what you deemed fit. rather than what people deemed appropriate ?

click click click.

nothing feels right. now is this my defense mechanisms failing to protect me ?

2011-01-28T07:04:00.001-08:00

Anguish
An emotion that swells your heart that leaves you feeling that if you took another breathe you might just sent it spluttering into its constitutions, bits of gore and muscles lying all over the floor.

Sorrow
An emotion that you endure, leaving you so empty, yet infinite at the same time. Nothing seems to go right nor left.

Dear odie,
it wouldnt seem right if i didnt let my feelings and thoughts run free would it? you left the house and never looked back. we hunted through the night and asked every stranger in sight. we shouted for you for nearly an hour every day. im not compalining, but perhaps just informing you, to come back.
it was barely a month left to your decade old birthday. whenever it rains, my heart wrenches up like a maid trying to squeeze the remaining water left in a wet cloth. it is driving me up the walls. it is slowing chewing me out. surely.

the house feels emptied out. the little ball of sunshine ceased to exist. i cant focus properly.
its the uncertainty, of not knowing that is just tearing me bit by bit. are you out there? in a house being fed, passing by each day well in a sheltered area? or are you road kill.
it's not... fair. there i said it. this world is disgusting. the way it works. Because humans just cant hope that only lousy poor situations that are the epitome of bad luck only happens to people who "Evil". sadly no. the world wants to be a freaking bitch. a major slutty whore. ):
i do not want to deal with my emotions, i would like my dog back. should i tear my heart out from my chest to show how earnestly, how badly i want this to happen ? id rip it out, and hold it within my bare hands, in your face. squash it flat out in your face if you dare to trick me.

ugh. i am not dealing.
Odie come back. please (?)

2011-01-24T05:39:00.000-08:00

i think i feel this distaste and uneasiness is because, there is internal conflicts between my wants and my motivation to get what i want. i know what i am to do to get what i want, but i cant get myself to it, so these wants are suffering conflicts as though are they really a want, any more.

i want out of everything.

2011-01-20T09:56:00.000-08:00

sit still for a moment, and think. trust me on this.
Reminisce
Ponder
Debate
Ruminate
what has life been so far.
Are you living in control, based on whatever you want it to be ?

i wonder at times the rate i worry about these things, have i been so well conditioned at infant stage that now, i learn to immediately regret anything that seems to be pure fun? "you dont think about the family" oh snaps back into the cold harsh reality. i really dont. do you keep promises? i dont. have you tried? i guess so.

i believe its another phase again.
everyone has potential in them that is dying to be unleashed, and our whole life is to find the key that has the ability to unleash it from its cell.

if we live for the moment, than what does the past and future mean ?

too many questions. this is excruciating.
i want a good book and a hammock.

2011-01-18T07:01:00.001-08:00

Lost.

2011-01-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

has anyone wondered why we celebrate the first day of our birthdays ?
so yes i just hit nineteen, but why didnt i celebrate the last day of my 18th birthday rather than my 19th ! i mean i still have well another 365 days to celebrate my 19th years of existence. why didnt you celebrate the lsat day of being 18 than the first day of being `19 ?

it's settled, i will celebrate every end of the birthday. (:

2010-12-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

we all get what we deserve in this life.

happiness is what we have to fight for, and not something that will fall like a feather from the sky and right into our laps. things are never easy and knowing it and letting my defense mechanisms kick in, IS NOT helping me feel any better.

damn it.

oh and i highly doubt people actually read my blog, but cake lair has been real fun. i meet awesome people all the time (:
yeah so hi maria, martha,kosmo,ico,panda,andres,rx, so many really. just so many <3

2010-12-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

things arent going the way it should again.
spiralling out of control, i detest and detest.

where's the stop button in life to life ?
where;s the fast forward, back track and what not to control controlness?

im running but i cant catch up.
i need to resurface but the seaweed on the seabed is keeping me down.

maybe. just maybe, im a little.
that im caught here.
waiting.
who knows not where when ? how ? oh. hello. (?) funny.
true.

2010-11-27T04:17:00.000-08:00

dear hailey,
i digressed and thus my thoughts got eaten up.
i have a feeling the recent cause of my reluctance to be social is because, well, ive been doing that too much too often. i mean, i like my over the internet friends. but somehow, its still socialising to me, and that is a tiring feat.
i miss the smell of my books, the dreamy state of nothingness. not being cooped up in a room all day long. oh no. oh no. i am not getting out of hand regarding this no more.

i will have my control (:

2010-11-24T09:21:00.000-08:00

fuh- teeg

2010-11-22T04:43:00.000-08:00

aw shucks.
here i am typing again the same few words every now and then. if hailey were truly alive and depended on my blog post to sustain her she would have died again and again.

ive been feeling pretty disturbed lately.questioning again and again things. thinking leads to thoughts that one would fear to conjure up. for fear they question their own sanity ;/ the feeling of uneasiness is like a bloated stomach from liquid.

ack. if i ever do follow that train of thought till the end, maybe one day i would really lose it, cause doesnt one wonder, how truly thin the line between sanity and insanity truly is. may i have the strength to stop myself then.

lately, life's been mostly about online people. it's been an ideal situation i guess? being able to meet people around the world, which in fact had no reason to be in your life, other than. so with that, its nice to speak with some of them, i really enjoy it thoroughly, its like another social boundary breached. this people with their slang, its intriguing to see how they function, and how utterly brutal they are with their comments while hiding behind their mask of anonymity. then there are the total opposites. the painfully honest people. ive met some who really are nice people, be it whether how they portray themselves. because the mask of anonymity is up there, they are not afraid to be themselves, restricted by no social boundaries. not afraid to voice out their comments their dislikes.

hm i lost my train of thought, ah the human mind.

2010-11-18T06:47:00.000-08:00

oh hailey,
ive overlooked you time and time again. and yet you always remain all faithful here. i always tell myself, i am going to go home, and blog, then i find an interesting thing to talk about to myself, then bam, i so simply forget to. the human brain is such a flawed yet highly sophisticated instrument. talking about flaws, the one thing that makes us humans and different from animals is the complex range of emotions we encounter. can a lion be flabbergasted ? or can a goose be depressed? maybe or maybe not we cant tell.

oh, and i very much liked the illustration of the Deathly hallow's animation part. i found it sooooooooooooooooooo good. furthermore i liked the story.
such a simple story with such an impactful meaning. left me pretty inspired. but in what direction and for what ? i know not of the answer, its one of those moments that things like this go hey, lets slow down and look at things, smell the flowers breathe the air (:

2010-11-03T07:48:00.000-07:00

so a little spammage of photoshop recently !
id get better k ! <3.

anyway school has been a lot of fun lately. ive met the people i didnt realise i miss till i actually saw them, and it dawned on me how much i miss this euphoric feeling. sometimes its good to let loose, not keep so uptight and in check of everything you do i guess. isnt that so ?

ive been helping around the iguides booth, i miss all of them so much. i hope i get to spend time with these awesome people still. PAUL YES PAUL. that crazy old man, i miss his loserdome. as an really good advisor. i miss all of'em.
other than that, seeing so many ketsu people today, just made my heart overjoyed. shah came to school before he had to go for army. i saw matt leo and janice and shermin, ah good golly gosh, and i caught up with zeng and yd. i adore them all. it's fun. it's been fun, but this fun cant go on, i need to settle down soon, solemn sober up.
i am determined. so... yeah.

id leave the reflection in my mind for another day.

2010-10-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

dear hailey,
it's been another pretty long while. and as usual life has been pretty eventful. with the coming of the class chalet which i couldnt stay because of obvious reasons, it made me think why i really loveeeee our class. hee hee, on the other hand, hanging with the clique was pretty interesting as usual ~ some times i think im not as daring as i would like to think i am ! the hihglights were of a couple breaking up right on our porch, yes i gave in to peer pressure and decided to eavesdrop in too, im sorry people, if you didnt want to be eavesdropped on, you should have chose a better spot, see there, my rationality, this way i wont feel bad (: yay me. hmm, what else, we had self cooked food, so at least we know how to fend for ourselves before we starve or rely solely on fast food so yay to that, *pats head* heh heh.oh and holy all glory, we played l4d2 at 2am. hell yeah babeh, life time accomplishment checkkkkkk ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ !! (: back and forth, we played several games, i finally learnt monoply deal and bridge. so there, guess i have to remember how to play'em now ~ !

after that was my brother's art display at the Asian civilization museum, it was a fairly intriguing experience! most of the people there were either Caucasian or indian, a little bit of chinese. sok yee ( yes i owe you more property eh) had SO LOVINGLY accompanied me to the event, so yeahh .. thank heavens it was not boring, instead the art was pretty interesting, oh and one of the artist was Naomi;s understanding art cds teacher, tan seow wei, her art work was gorgeous, way worth the 4800 it was going at ! yet ... how she was dressed was utterly inappropriate. ah. that bubble tea cup in her hand at that event. ugh. ugh ugh. mentally blocking how she was so immune to the social norm there.

and today, i met my dearrrrrr deborah tan after 284932589 years. we had the usual l4d2 gaming experience, hahahas, it was just so mindblowing as usual. that there was no limit to how much we were immune to the people who glared at us while we made a ruckus, i apologise but that's the way i enjoy, is that very wrong (?) like how other guys shout a string of vulgarities or kick the table, i screech like a bat. hahahahahahahas. sighs. oh before that, deborah stratigically stuffed smelling perfume paper up my nostrils. "here smell this" *shove* HAHAHAHAHAH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING *store lady stares at us judgmentally* so, on the plus side everything smelt real nice for a while, and my nose was clear of all the mucus. so ... yeah. laugh a little china lady, you are working, enjoy it a little, how could you not have laughed at that spectacle. it doenst come everyday. so ... yeah. ah some people need to just let loose and laugh a little, if you are so difficult to be amused, then you lead a sad life. replace that scrowl with a smile, things might seem better than. before before that, we were walking around parkway with our starbucks in one hand, deborah and i were running through clubbing dance moves. yeah you expect some sexy seductress move, but no, we were running through a list of the ultimate retarded dance moves, deb taught me the chopping board and the washing baord. HAHAHAH IT WAS SOOO BAD. i was teaching her how to mosh 150% hahhahas. ah the world stared so much cause we were laughing uncontrollably. oh ! and cheryl called ! (: i miss that girl. sooooo, i had fun today, missing deborah already, shuyi cheryl too. ah. the times.

oh and here's a little side note, my online friend asked me to join a private game. yes sorry, i felt a little happy, yes im easily pleased but so .. (?) it was a new experience so yeah check that off the check list of things to do before i die. HAAH. so it was pretty fun ~ and some how.

i feel a little empty now :/

question of the day: " is it human nature to err?"

2010-10-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

hello hailey,
today was a good day. was an eventful day it seemed. oh my why is my font coming out in typewriter form (?!) it absolutely pleases me !
with the not so usual group i went to visit jazzlyn today for i have no choice but to attend a wedding dinner tomorrow evening. note: i usually visit her every saturday. so today it was zeng yd grazelyn and i. so we went at an unusual timing too, and thus came the, oh it is not visiting hours, you need to wait 3 hours (the hell id do that lady!) but we didnt say that, we waited, the father brought her out. her progress has been great, but her eye infection today is worrisome, plus her daddy might have broken a rib or two, and insist on postponing his x-ray, sir if i may say, please take care of yourself, for the moment you start neglecting yourself, the other things may start failing too. haiiiiish im too young for all this sometimes(?) so i pray, in my own way, that she would recover from her eye infection soon.

so we kind of ate pepper lunch after that,it was my virgin experience, and boy was it good. (!!) and yd was teaching us the tricks behind scissors paper stone and 5 10 15 20, how to make sure someone would lose, and before we knew it just plain chilling out. oh we went to hang out at grazelynn's, she had the joy of shouting into the guy's toilet, infront of well a few dozen people DARREEENNNN WHEREEEE AREE YOU COME OUT THE BUS IS HERE. hahahahahahahs. oh my so funny. she has a really nice room by the way, as expected of a design school student! her siblings were all artsy fartsy, and her younger sister sarah is a doll. her little boyfriend andrew is too. (HAHA)maybe i could babysit one day. sounds like a truckload of fun! after all that, we took an hour long bus ride home.
i was proud of my prosocial behavior today ! helping that old man, but then again, there was so much i coould do for him, help him down the bus too. ah. ah well. i tried ?! unlike the other onlookers, i felt good. its been a while since then.

and i came home to spend some quality time with my sis-ah, watching covers of teenage dreams. and i went for a nice jog.

hmm, that is that. another time then (:

2010-10-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

dear hailey,
so i woke up late today and missed my date with naomi liewwww :< (oh and by the way nitro is sleeping next to the laptop on the table now, he looks like such a dear,would eat him if i could, hmm, i think he sensed the vibes) the day's have nevertheless been the same, meeting was long and tiring, i feel that i need to get back into that mental and physical fitness roles thingymajingy. i can feel the years i am going to live slowly decreasing.

i just updated my tumblr, and feel pretty good about it too ! so yeah, highlight of my day man ! other than waking up shortly after 1pm, it's amazing ! i believe i shall force myself to go for a run tonight, this fats dont combust and disintegrate due to my lack of metabolism. oh why cant i just purchase a can of it ? labelled " Instant metabolism in a can" directions you ask? just pry open the lid of the can, preheat oven to about let's say 400 Fahrenheit, then transfer contents into a tray to place in the oven, remember to add 2 canfuls of water (200ml) into content mix well or suffer blotchy pockmarks. (yuck) leave it for 12 minutes then allow to cool. yeah yeah your face too (:
so that's that, odie has been sick the past few days,worrisome, but i shall have wishful thinking do the trick.

goodbye (:

2010-10-01T02:45:00.000-07:00

hello hailey ~

it would seem that if i ever do have a child, he/she would grow up loving the skies as i do *insert appropriate longing dreamy look aimed at the sky* hahahahs, the sky is a magnificent masterpiece, changing everyday. no i will not become a weatherman, nor will i study cloud patterns. sheeeesh.
the days have been rather monotonous, sleep late wake late. activities the same. perhaps i should educate myself. i have things in mind id like to complete and conquer, like a certain themed photography session, but no. i cant, because? i have no camera. it depresses me so. i neeeeeed a camera. oh, photoshop too, and the tear and make up session of old clothes. hell yeah.

so that's that.

2010-09-27T02:01:00.000-07:00

hee hee hello hailey (:
it is 2 minutes to 5pm on the monday blue's.

would days would be better if we started the week on a tuesday? i guess not since perhaps, the next monday would then be a tuesday then as a result, we'd hate tuesday, as odd as it sounds. and we might suffer a peculiar Tuesday's blues. odd odd odd. sometimes i wish i learnt how to dance ballet or some form of art, so i may be able to channel out some raw emotions before they manifest and take root in me. yes yes imagine a alien egg planted at the very core of the earth. this egg would hatch unless you take it out and well destroy it, or perhaps contain it so it does not spread or or or well you catch my drift do you not?

i wonder about my morality now and then. but ever since the holidays have started ive been thinking about it a lot more. i wake up everyday at 2pm-4pm. now, look at that unearthly timing. it disgusts me. but when i try to awake earlier, this question comes to mind, what am i waking for? the same old routine, read a book talk to friends play with the cat/dog. now now, is this all there is to look forward to my life? id rather sleep. oh woe is me. if i had a new hobby, maybe it'd be different? but how long till then before it becomes too a boring thing of my life. i look at the place that confines me within its walls. what;s the use of social ties sometimes? what is fun ? what is this and that? it's all tiresome and worrisome. not that i do not appreciate the people i have around me, but sometimes, amongst the people, you stop and listen in carefully, is this really what you are like? reflecting your very true personality ? are you doing nothing that contradicts you ? why should i have to pretend to care?

oh joy. im a walking prematurely grey cloud. yes yes i am.

i would like to spend the night roaming. endlessly, to seek out the answers to my questions. because isnt there suppose to be the existence of answers to all questions? yes ? if you say no, then what do i live for? mankind would not have made it that far? if everyone held on to the belief of every question could be answered, well we'd still be cave people, with primitive instincts that drive us.

alas alas. here i rip my heart out and bare my soul, is there no one that would prove to be the exceptional one (?)

where am i ? she wondered, a thought that seemed just moments ago was floating about her mind until finally it took form and planted itself on the ground. she peered left than right, than left again. nothing seemed to jolt any familiar recollection, so she continued to venture amongst the corn field. had she no fear for her self perseverance ? maybe she didnt. the sun dipped into the horizon and the the finale background drop was the skies awash in the deepest of china blue and flamingo pink colours, and she fell, and fell, never to give form to thoughts that spread across the vast land, like butterflies.

ugh. damn it.

2010-09-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

hello hailey, it is precisely 13 minutes past eleven in the morning

as i made my way back from dental, a lovely walk accompanied with a raging war in the skies. the dark looming grey clouds against the bright vibrant white clouds. each taunting the other to cross the line, the line that would soon result in the downfall of millions of warriors involved. these warriors fall from grace, sweep the land, and drown the people yet give life to the crops. they make sure their fall is not a silent one, they make known for the whole world, as they land, they trash they throw rods of light.

the line is crossed, with the grey army pushing in vigilantly. millions more fall. the land is littered with carcasses. maybe this would teach mankind, to never rage a war.

hee, had that whole scene mapped out when i was on my way home, it was a pretty sight to behold, the sky was cut right into half with the contrast colours. ah, how the more contrasting the more they compliment each other do they not ? heehee.

oh here's a little something i discovered or believe.

he asks for company, yet falls asleep after a while, then why ask for company in the first place? for fear of being alone, it breaks my stubborn heart, for i see a man who fears that if he lays in the dark, trying, to sleep, he would succumb to thoughts that would haunt him, batter him, leaving him an lonely old frail man, insecure beyond words can describe. but what am i to do? give me time is all i can say, rush not for i snap back into old ugly habits that you negatively reinforced all my life. i try i try. please see that. time is all i ask for

oh and yesterday was fun (:
i know its not the kind of teenage fun that young teenagers have, wild drinking partehs ~ heh, ewww much? i met up with naomi at simei to chillazx out at starbucks, but seeing how she was not late, really she wasnt,i decided to walk around simei for i was suffering from the imaginary audience thingy. oh my. oh my. i think im going to be late. shall continue my post later.

2010-09-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

15th sept 2010
1048pm
dear hailey,
im on the very edge of everything suddenly. a single event in my life can just set everything, so messed up. my father is now taking medication for .. anxiety and relaxation. that is pretty mindblowing for me. i mean like, really? is this happening ? he says he needs support from his daughters all. and i, i just cant do it. i was never close and if i force myself, the fake reality of it all disgusts me. this morning was such a horrible experience.

i slept at 6am watching shows, and i was awoken at 8am to help my brother apply for a train ticket to and fro paris and london with mister timothy's family . so after that the most natural thing to do, was to go to sleep. oh here comes the extremely rich part, my father protested against it, like ehhhh dont sleep, talk to me. *really dad? you cant force conversations like that* i told him i was tired, and decided to go back to sleep. and from 9am onawards all the way to the afternoon 2pm he kept going at it, every single hour, he'd come in, rachel dont sleep dont sleep dont sleep, talk to me, support me, i need support, dont sleep, bad lifestyle like that, it's very late, wake up wake up ! it went on for every single hour, and he would repeat the same questions, rachel you want to go out, though i was very much wrapped in my blanket trying to sleep, and despite my mother's cutting in everytime, let her sleep ! stop disturbing her~! my mother and father went out after a while, and after which he came home, he continued that whole procedure. i gave up on humanity and mankind.

yes im a horrid daughter, but please understand, there was never a thing between my father and i, i saw him as a man who showed little emotions expect for anger and pride. this side of his, i cant acknowledge it. that's not my father there. it's so difficult for me to strive to put on a strong front and attempt at being caring and nice to my father. its not like that here. DAMN IT. IM A CHINESE GIRL LIVING IN A CHINESE FAMILY, WHICH MEANS WE ARE COLLECTIVISTIC AND THUS MY UPBRINGING STYLE PROVES THAT I AM NOT AFFECTIONATE. ): i cant keep this up for more than a few days, him lingering over what im doing, him asking me to sit down and watch whatever weird television show he is watching. it just doesnt work, and yet i have to try. i have to force myself even.

oh please forgive me, for i try, and hope not to continue with this sin. a child is to be forever loyal to their parents for giving them life, and yet what i do, is monstrous.

oh the conflicts i have in my mind. the feelings i cant channel out, rumination and attacking doesnt help. it's so difficult,
i am just a horrible daugther. sorry.

2010-09-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

dear hailey,
as the situation provided at hand is of much concern to me, i shall forgo what i initially wanted to blog for this. perhaps those thoughts would get voiced out from the shackles of my mind.

daddy can't sleep.
oh no its not some medication side effect, not some insomnia not anything, just the pure gracious concern of a father who is worried sick, till the extent he can't sleep. it breaks my heart to see that i cant do anything, cause if i were to pursue the topic i too can't really guarantee my dad i wont just start crying. god knows im not one for emotional set ups. this is the perfect scenario of adapting to an empty bird nest. seeing how my father kept coming into the room to watch me play the game, was odd, then i realised, hey he needed to talk about his feelings. poor daddy, as much as the egoistic monster he is ;/ i feel sad. indeed my brother is going overseas, and he is worried, we are all pretty much. my heart bleeds like a gaping wound for it. where is everyone? i think i need to talk to someone, but it feels pathetic, i cant ruminate cause it's proven to be useless. daddy if i could tell you i would say, sure your son is going to a strange place, with no guarantee of safety, and that makes you worry, but he is 23 years old. he is a man, a full grown man, who has to make mistakes and learn from them, he cant look to you forever, he has to spread his wings and take flight, it's difficult to let go, but it isnt letting go, it's strengthening your bonds. ugh. this isnt working, im going to miss my brother ;/ and worrying is no way to go on about it, be freaking proud of him, for he is starting his path to independence, in a school at london.

hell i hate to think sometimes.

the sounds bounced off the walls resonating loudly and proudly. she felt the walls cave in, and the rims darkening, she focused on her breathing, in and out, but soon it became a long exhaustive breathless ones. she gasped loudly, the air didnt enter, her lungs felt no relief, her hands trembled and

2010-09-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

2010-09-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

2:11am
dear hailey,
i feel the threat of morality. every single day now. i look at someone, and it dawns on it. i'm astonished im still sane, and able to be mean to people. i can just look at someone and go, hey he'd die someday too, and he deserves to have a good life before he goes, so maybe the least i can do now is be nice to him. oh why do i have to have this kind of thinking ? i was just out in the garden, seated with odie. i missed doing that, with the duties and enjoyment of life, i forgot to slow down and focus on the things infront of me. one day odie would leave me, and i will regret that day like no other, however if i maximize it now, i wont regret it. so. that's that. i keep reminding myself, that i have to be what i want to be, and not what other's think i should be. dont let them stamp you down and out. let the fiery passion burn with no withholding its potential and true intentions.

so on to less thought inducing matters, i woke up half hour to 5pm in the afternoon. the weather was more reason for me to stay up though. nitro is meowing like a machine gun. hahahs. machine gun .. meowing. oh gosh. the adorable factor it has.

so here it is. the thoughts of the day. oh and the plans of the holiday might be to design my laptop cover, repaint room walls and well, find out more about myself, and read read read read. oh cant forget about playing starcraft. hell yeah.
xoxo.

2010-09-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

dear hailey

im feeling a swell of emotions again. will this be my downfall one day? my sheer weakness that will result in self combustion. i feel distaste at my responses. i smile but i frown inside, i pretend to like what people are doing, is this not wrong? i tire from all this. i am self centered. i truly am. for i give in to what is not ..
to you whom might never ever read this:
i condemn ye. i condemn you and your pathetic self, and i am frustrated at myself for having to vent this. dont you dare speak to me again, because i try to put my past with you behind, i was younger, my freaking frontal lobe had yet to fully develop. you shouldnt make use of speaking to me only when you dont have other choice. you make me feel such a state of dysphoria. please stop it ? stop pulling me back into your life, because your strings bond me, i try to be nice cause lord knows that no one deserves to be mean to, but dont you dare step on it, and get all i wasted the chance i had with you. i wished i could turn. yeah save your breath, it's wasted on me, or more correctly, stop breathing please. this instant. you make me feel cheap. unappreciated.
i am not (fcuking) cheap. A-hole. so pleadingly, i hold my head high,i tell you, to go away because it's as much as i can take without exploding in your face. emotions are ugly. so very much ugly.

and the second you. the guilt i feel in not being able to care more. i can't seem to care more, why can't i appreciate you. is this displacement? from what i feel, i displace it on you. why cant i be nicer to you. why cant you just go away ? why must i be bothered with this and that? why do i have, again, to pretend.

I fell in love with the jaywalker.
There he was, left side of the wide street, flashes of colours flying by, emitting pungent plumes of smoke. he looked left and right occasionally. the colours zipped by, sometimes too near for comfort causing him to step back, and adjusting his fringe. oh he must have felt self conscious of the peering eyes that sometimes when the colours stopped, stared blankly and focused their attention on him. i saw him then. rather awkwardly. our eyes met for a fraction of a second. he batted his eyelids and looked away, i was bemused, the colours started moving slowing, edging forward as a jam had occurred. it seemed as though he made a snap judgement, and decided to cross right then. he looked wary, and i watched on, he shot his head left right so many times, it was like a headbanging ritual, rather with rhythm. too engrossed with the street, he tripped on his feet, and stumbled making him bleak. he tensed up immediately, realizing he was still in a fit, staggered to the right side of the street. he tugged his bag over his shoulder more securely and with a last look back at the resumed zipping of the colours, swore he would never jaywalk again. but alas, he did not know, he put on such a show. and how i was enthralled.

2010-09-07T12:36:00.001-07:00

dear hailey,
time seems to past so quickly. i feel that control is slipping out of my hands again. not that i really grasped it tightly, but still. time has to be something less silky, more form and graspable.
my brother is leaving for london, ( yeah hell yeah how cool is that ? (:) but it makes me feel this pang of lost and sadness. i know its for the future yet it makes me sad. like hey, the room is going to be empty. not that he would be gone forever, just that, over the course of these past few months, we've become a cooler family ;/
i dont like how im being all distracted from my studying but im thinking of other things.
ugh shant brood over this anymore.

2010-09-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

dear hailey,
an odd minute inspiration i had. so i decided to do up what i can for the time being. shall redo this properly soon.
xoxo.

2010-08-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

dear hailey,
it's about 10 minutes to 2am and i decided that i would be up early to take a nice little cycling trip alone with nothing but headphones on and maybe id drink a cup of coffee at starbucks. ah the allure of it all, sounds so good. but alas, we all know that i am fooling no one, thus i shall just be up slightly earlier than usual and force myself to be awake, or im taking a morning jog/walk. rawr. so many thoughts to pen down. no time no time. i just wasted one whole month away.

which to listen to, head or heart?

2010-08-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

Dear hailey
This is a little bit cooler, that I am typing off my iPhone, which I named Zeus .( a little tacky no) hee hee. So today was good fun joy (: I was at Ann siang hill Chinatown, and was it an awesome area that I can spend hours at~ the bookstores the unique sense of style that is breathed from every single particle, it was hellahhhhgggg cool 8D I have to go back there when thereof time, at least 4 hours! (;

Oh and I think the gnawing thoughts are useless and should cease to be a pain in the non existent balls. Sigh. If only I didn't try if only I didn't go all out. Shizz.

000001100086431109

2010-08-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

0023am friday
Hello dear ol'hailey

one day the facade will disappear, and i will feel comfortable in this skin. why do i have to be what people want ? why do i encourage ? why do i smile why do i have to make people feel comfortable? why cant i sneer and look smug ? because i like these people? and want them to like me back too. who are they, and what significance do they hold ? what may you provide to me that would benefit me? social creatures we are, so why are there people labelled attention seekers? dont we all crave attention. the smallest slightest inclination would be to even speak up. that is attention seeking. "why i think", brings forth the focus and attention you want to your idea your thought. you want recognition no ? how do i really feel ? i have no idea. you tell me (?).

"store it in store it all in," she murmured. she pushed shoved and compressed all the anguish she had into a crystal ball. the ball soon filled with colours so rusty and musty, colours of mustard yellow combined with moss green, and dirty flesh. " no one needs to see this, no one .. it's too ugly" she strolled around the park and alas, she was shot right in her chest by a pathetic mugger, who stoled her wallet which consisted only of 1pound. the mugger swore and dashed away. looking back at the girl, out spewed the colours, oh so ugly, she frantically tried stuffing down leaves and twigs in the wound, but worryingly the wound got bigger and bigger oh how the wound stretched, with an ear ripping shriek, she ran and ran into the woods. deeper and deeper past the bushes and trees, till the vegetation was so dense, it blocked out the sun. she was alone, all alone. she was barely crawling on the leaflitter, her hands scrapped and bleeding. oh no oh no. the crystal ball was shattering at an alarming rate, she needed to stop it. frantically she searched for the blood of the willow tree, tear of a baby seedling and a feather of an oak tree.

2010-08-24T05:16:00.001-07:00

oh hailey how much ive yearned to type. to speak, to express.
it has been such a long while, that it pains me to depths beyond measurements.

24th aug 10.
tuesday.

alas the death of your kin garatte has left me floating the days away, no contact with mankind whatsoever, because it felt appropriate to do so. in a way i would make myself less guilty. but alas the deed is done, there is no undo button for me, or a rewind button to stab. alas. alas. woe is me. interestingly father sir wasn't irrationally mad, he calmly said, these things happen, clumsy. the relief and the utter denial i felt pulsating through me, i was still awaiting the torrents of words. i didnt ask for it of course, i took what i could and ran. i learn to be grateful.

oh here it comes. i need to complain about this lady i met at the hospital. first thing you might think i was being an insensitive whore from hell who cant from other's perspective but please people, i think from her perspective so much so that it got me so annoyed that it was just a strong personality + defense mechanism activated leading to her projections on to us. this is the story.
Az zeng and i were awaiting our ic'z at the counter, the lady next to us was bickering on and on and fighting with the counter lady about something. zeng was outrightly swearing at her, and i didnt know what was it about so i was trying to get him to cool down and not swear so loudly at her. which led to me, listening in to what the lady had to say. and boy, was i buzzed. " why is there a celebration for a party in the hospital, that girl gets to celebrate her birthday every year, missing one year wouldnt make a difference, NOT AS THOUGH SHE IS GOING TO DIE" YEAH FREAKING HELL YOU DONT KNOW A THING NOT AS THOUGH. THE ODDS YOU GOD DAMN WOMAN THE FREAKING ODDS. she went on to complain to the receptionist whom calmly negotiated with her that it was only for a while and no more, plus the patient was critically ill thus. the lady went back upstairs with an extremely unsatisfied look. ugh fat lady. fat lady./ BOOMER LAAAZXZXZXZXZADSSXZXZ.
when upstairs, we saw her, she continued to shoot us dagger looks and bitch about us real loudly for the whole hall to hear, yeah lady way to go make more noise than us. we dont understand ? HELL WE DONT UNDERSTAND ? BECAUSE WE ARE YOUNG NAIVE AND STUBBORN ISIT? FREAK STEREOTYPES. YOU ARENT THE ONLY ONE WITH A SOMEONE IN THE HOSPITAL. plus we werent like loser hooligans screaming and shouting evertything, we were still respectful. god damn it. so we decided to shoot her down. hell we were going down without a fight. hell to her. one by one we shot her. and she continued to rant on and on, THEN HERE COMES THE BEST PART, SHE SNAPS A PHOTO RIGHT IN OUR FACES AND SAID THIS IS GOING ON STOMP FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE HOW, WHAT THE JIZZFACE LA YOU. then she walks off and the other lady im guessing her sister shoots us too saying, our mother is dying try to stop all this. gah. i know ma'am, we shouldnt be partying, we shouldnt be so happy, because the look on our bright faces so full of life stabs you so hard because your mother is slowing losing the battle back in the ward. you hate these happy faces, when you here want to be sad. you want to be sad, you want the whole world to be sad with you. sorry doll, that aint the way the world rolls. dont you know ? it's a sick self centered world full of assholes and dickheads. wake up miss. i am sorry, but you didnt have to go all the way to insult our upbringing, and continuously bitch about us in our faces.
why couldnt you just let your pathetic sad emotions out, and let us reach out to you. because the comfort of another being could help/ instead you turn your anguish and helplessness into this anger against us, and the frustration you felt when the nurses sided us because we werent noisy, you took it to the net. stomp our photo.

i regret the day.
i regret my actions.

it just makes me sad. why are people this way ? i mean, yeah we were mean, because yet being able to understand your plight we still went forth. miss wont you see things differently. do you think we are devils in human skin sent to torment your mother's last few hours on earth? hell, do you want to leave this world in a silent way ? no marking no nothing? her last few moments, sure it should be a solemn thing, but i dont think she wants to see any of you all sad and angry. why ? she lived a long life, perhaps even a fruitful one, why cant you let her go ? she has had her fill in this life, giving birth to daughters like you that love her so much and care for her, she should be proud, and deem her life well lived.

who am i to say so much ? im just a child. im just a teen. i dont understand the anguish of adults. my brain has yet to mature. really sir/ma'am ? indeed i apologise for the unnecessary comments but, getting angry irrationally.

ugh.

that aside. i think i should start studying. yyes groan gasp of surprise why havent you started. ugh, ugh. ughhhhh.

happybirthday jazzlyn <3.

2010-08-17T04:44:00.000-07:00

752pm 17th aug10
a tuesday
Dear hailey,
as i type this, i am at the coffee table near the window. the weather is slightly ideal, with cool drafts and full of moisture. even the evening sky is a deep royal purple. it is gorgeous. today was interesting. i went to parkway to meet naomi, for we both were to have a border's interview. i so conveniently forgotten mine as the manager called while i was drugged up after the wisdom tooth extraction. i was about an hour late? oh man. -10 points huh ? the ride home was quite .. fun ? it start pouring. and as i stood waiting for the green man to switch on, several vehicles caused the ankle deep puddles to morph into little tsunamis and crash upon the pedestrians. heh heh. despite being able to foresee that, i still got my skirt drenched, and regardless to say the other lady was about to manslaughter when the water came splashing right into her face. there there missy, showing that much emotions is pretty ugly dont you think so ? (::

2010-08-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

0013hour 15th Aug 10
Sunday
Hailey yo !
ive been thinking again. do people see the moon, and feel it is cold? because well technically the night is associated with feeling cold, and thus the association? come to think of it, doesnt the moon reflect the light of the sun? plus light energy consist of heat energy does it not ? so isnt the moon technically a warm thing? rather than cold ?! ;O then again, we all know the moon is in space and space has no ... well ... warmth. teehee. and secondly. i just realised calling ourselves nerd and geek all, hell yeah we like it, but if we were truly 100% nerd/geek, we'd suffer for it. i mean, nerds the socially inept creatures they are cant help it, and i would like to believe we are more sociable than that. hahahas. even in the most awkward of situations.

2010-08-13T07:34:00.001-07:00

2010-08-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

oh man. another thought process. all baseless stuff, so if it offends people im sorry, freedom of speech here on my blog~

Soooo, this is in regards to feelings. i think the world would be a better place if mankind had no feelings. yes for the world, no destruction no whatever, so what we become like soulless beings? shells? hollows? but the world would last a lot longer and flourish a lot more than it's current. feelings are irrational and useless i would like to say. some people have gut feels and this are what are known as intuition. so you suddenly dont feel like doing this? why ! cause i just don't feel like ! what led to this feeling ! too many factors perhaps ? no ? (i should really read up and get my facts right) why why why ?
and if we didnt have feelings which resulted in the destruction of the world slowly, ( yes in reference to world wars what not) we will be like robots.

yet sadly, even the world can't be saved when we humans=robots. because these robots will get viruses that lead to evil corrupted robots that want to rid the world of everything that is not a robot. so tell me, is this world we call earth that doomed for destruction?

is there no saving us?

goodnight. world. it is infact 241am on friday the 13th, and the gates of hell are open wide too. ( well for the chinese that is)

2010-08-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

1146pm thursday still.
so hello thereeeee ~
this was something i was thinking about just a while back.
perhaps men would not cheat on their wife if their wives proved to be fully capable of supporting the family like the men. chew on this. when a man is the SOLE breadwinner to the family, the wive is therefore obliged to do the husbands bidding, in an exaggerated sense perhaps, and the husband feel empowered as a result. thus they cheat. and the wife, silently take one for the team as she doesnt work and cant support the children on her own. so she keeps quiet. But however if the wife were working, would that prove a different scenario ? husband seeing his wife as an equal individual ? because the wife is able to leave the husband anytime she wants to and can be as strong as a support to the children like the father previously ?

i dont know. i see no point. and i do believe in the evolutionist theories. are men forever condemned to cheating ?

2010-08-12T05:35:00.000-07:00

Artist: Dion lim, aka Greg.

thursday 12th aug
843pm

I HOPE ALL THE AWESOME HSS MAINCOMMZ ARE DOING WELL I AM CHANNELING ALL MY INNER CHI TO YOU GUYS AND PRAYING THAT EVERYTHING WOULD BE AWESOME AND KICKASS, THOUGH YOU DONT REALLY NEED IT CAUSE YOU GUYS ARE REALLY KICK ASS. HEH HEH HEH <3.

Dear Hailey,
my parents at times, can be the cutest people on earth. with this wisdom tooth extraction operation, my father went to buy me accessories. pretty intriguing was that he bought me headbands. he was all cheeeeky smiles after presenting the gift to me. guess that's his way of showing his affection and concern as a male, bet it must be difficult to ... (<3 aw.) then came my mommah with the a few bangles she bought too. guess she felt it was necessary. so cute both of them.

oh and one last thing on my mind, i dont understand my brother. oddly.

2010-08-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

1130pm monday
nationday day 9th aug

Dear Hailey,
i feel exhilarated. i just got home from work and it was pretty interesting and fun i guess. but on the downside, seeing how it's my first time, maybe that is why. maybe give it another few weeks, i might dread it. but i like working with people, i like how i find faith in some people through the small actions of the people i see and interact with at work. (yes i finally get to type this as proper reflection statement (Y)) a man helping me to open the door,despite being a customer, a group of younger boys who were customers were helping me to clean the table despite my constant disapproval, they said hey they should help too, it's too mean to allow that to persist *inserts nerdy nerd smiles*, (more reinforcement why i like nerds over cool looking people) oh, and a bunch of caucasians were there too, zomg, so model like. they were exceptionally polite too. i mean im hellah glad i didnt meet people like my daddy, evil thing who makes waitresses life like hell if the food is not served by 5 minutes time. (GAH) too many nice people. oh and dont get me started on the colleagues. are all so nice, all sooooo endearing ! i like them. well for first impressions i guess ? this man was way set on thinking i couldnt speak chinese, and another colleague asked whether was i singaporean, she even mentioned something about stickers (odd enough) but she was superbly nice, and awkward by saying "hey you are pretty" everytime she passed me which was like 28 so times (?!) they all guided me through and taught me things patiently, and i felt pretty calm after a while. yay (:

but all good stories come to a end do they not ? alas, my father deems it unfit for me to continue to work under FnB. i am trying to persuade. because, i want to try it for at least 1 month. i have time to waste. really. so why not ? im keen on trying so very much, if im going to get pushed down now, i might just crash and burn (i believe)

this week is going to be a pretty fast one again
oh gods above, please grant me thy strength to pull through it all.

2010-08-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

2:04AM sunday
8th aug 10
dear hailey,
today was tiring all over, yet highly fruitful. im confused by people as always. these humans are intriguing, not like i am not one but still, seeing things from a different perspective helps me i guess? why do people make themselves so prone to hurt ? i don't get it. i don't want to hurt you. i really don't want to, but i can't help it. why am i this way ? i know that i shouldnt yet i certainly do not carry out what i preach. this applies in so many context. ugh. on to better brighter beings

so i went to visit her again today. she looked better, but still i worry. worry so much that i can't even phantom other things. yet the day spent with yongding good ol'buddy was fun i guess. we just talked a lot as usual. wonder when will it ever just fall silent. anyway the highlight of today was that we met esc previous main comm, we dubbed him merczguy. haha. for obvious reasoning. anyway, i got mommah a brolly , a pretty pretty brolly, all orange and blue. after that whole bugis scavenger hunt, yongding was mentioning how he was surprised how we didn't see any TP friends of mine, i was going to comment how, then TINGFONG, popped outtah no where ! i immediately pointed to him and said A-HAH ! SEE. RIGHT THERE. FREAKING COINCIDENCE ( by any chance did my voice kindah mentally sound out? teehee)
i met shoe and deb after that, we dined. and lepak-ed under a void deck. yes 3 of us like what on earth ?! 3 hot thengs lepaking. hAHAHA ~ there was this part of the conversation that she and i just went a little off the rocker, " i thought i stepped on a cat, so i should go to the side, and you know scrape it off at the curb, maybe a full mature grown cat will come out from underneath my feet, and then meow and walk away" the look on shoez face was priceless as usual ~ she was mortified ! hilariously so. we were laughing at something about her bubble cup sweating as though it was a water fountain ~ and when debzxz came, when i was trying to tell her about the gazelles, i went "ja-gah-zells" and went on to prove my point. when debzx spoke, she said the same thing, and after a while, she was shooting me, saying how, that was not on purpose ! like what on earth ?! i totally incepted her mind ;DD to plant that mere thought. teehee.

and lastly. i dont know. why are people such mood swinging animals? why cant they just keep to one constant personality and not be so different everytime. it scares me so, to ease in and accept it as so, but then it comes back and hits me in the face with a totally different personality.

this is life.
deal with it.
aim low shoot high. i think that's correct.

2010-08-06T09:41:00.001-07:00

saturday 0048am
Dear Hailey,

today was an eventful day yet again ! it started at 9am and ended at around 9pm. events such as national day rehearsal and YOG rehearsal were fun yet tiring. i think, sometimes when i lose composure, i lose all my worries stress, and release my grasp on reality for a while. just a short while, before things such as conformity socialnormz pull me out of it, perhaps, if i tried lesser i'd be less tense. oh my good golly gracious why do i do such things to myself. everything seems so in control, yet .. why do we choose not to act? ohno ohno ohno. why so i think so much? look, i even think about thinking ! eeegads.

on a side note, continuing on. why do we shun what we do not like? because it brings us discomfort ? really? why? against what is right? in whose world is it right? your's ? tsk tsk. egocentrism. and like, i believe we should all experience some change in life. i mean, why not? it's not like you cant change back no ? at most you learn the reason why you shouldn't change in that direction again. isn't that good? so next time if you ever weirdly enough on a whim want to decide something, hey, you tried it before, and you didn't like it. ah, ok scratch it then. simple. furthermore, how would you know you wont like it till you try it no ? like carrot juice in my case. i always thought it'd taste like... weird. now i've tried it, hey it is actually nice. i found something else i like! yay me(: i think that perhaps if life is so good and comfortable now for people, they resist change in fear of what it might bring, no ? it's an idea, and something i chewed on.
i want to live my life to the fullest potential. explore all the things that i may or may not like. trail and error. after all. isnt life just a huge game of chess?

2010-08-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

She was floating. no she wasn't on drugs, dummy. she was dreaming. in her dreams, she was like a spirit free to roam the world. all she had to do was snap her fingers, and tightly squeeze her eyes shut.

Tonight she felt she would stay in her homeland, for after all, where else better to start than at home itself. her spirit zipped through the wall, all bricks,cement and metal, and shot forth for the sky. her eyes fixated on the moon. a wondrous polished piece of marble, as it shone with all its might. she felt sad all of a sudden, looking at such things that were ever changing made things too surreal for her to handle her racing thoughts. she thus diverted her attention to a tree. a freshly planted sapling. she floated to the sapling, and placed her translucent hand upon it, and gently shut her eyes. she had entered a third realm, where she had opened her eyes, and was able to see the past before the sapling was buried. ( please understand that her eyes are still closed in the 2nd realm).

The events played by like a dvd on triple fast forward, yet she was able to catch it all, as ghostly as a faded memory everything zipped by. she watched how in the sapling's place was a majestic tree, so wise so old. carved into his body the names of so many lovers, and underneath it's roots it fed off a rotting corpse of 30 years. oh the stories to be heard she rejoiced. the movie of memories came to a halt, when a thunderstorm brought forth the heavenly kings wrath, missed his arch nemesis and struck the majestic tree, the houses around began to crumble, and the ground for a moment became like that of a ocean. the tree fell, killing hundreds and exploded into a million and one bugs, of which spontaneously and slightly enthusiastically flew away.

she awoke with her fringe matted to her forehead.
it was after all a dream was it not?

question is. do you have your totem ?

2010-08-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

Wednesday 1:46AM
Hello Hailey (:

i have after *seriously* 3 hours of nonstop back to back youtube session of none other, Tom Milson, Alex and Charlie, both of which you can find them by typing their user names, nerimon, charlieissocoollike and hexachordal into the search engine of youtube (eetoobe). It would seem that i highly admire people like them, i mean, hey you;ve made a huge difference in your life now. what about you ? those youtubers scream out that way. i agree with erikson on one thing, i am indeed finding out my self identity. i need to prove myself one way or another. oh and before this get's any more grey, i am going to girl fan over the apple of my eye, none other than Tom Milson.
yes i am allowed to girl fan,i am indeed a female by birth and lastly i am a fan. anyway, he's so cool in the weird eccentric way, and brilliantly smart. oh did i mention he has blue hair? like any typical girl fan, id say this out loud no where else by my blog. i hope no one judges me on this. but this inner girl fan needs an outlet ~ before well it becomes some kind of squealing annoying girl fan crazed thing. heh heh heh.

oh here's a little something too.
i always take time to do a little reflection on the way home or on the way to school. and today i was thinking why is it so difficult for people to be able to think from other's perspective.
ah. i got distracted from blogging by whose line is it anyway.
ah snap.
its 3am and im off first.

2010-07-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

0056hour sunday
Dear hailey.

as my fingers tremor slightly and my skin erupt in goosebumps i type the events of the day.

i came to consciousness at 12pm. i blinked my eyes and reality dawned on me. it;s a new day, and my job as a human is to live out this new day. of course i had to live it to its fullest potential must i not? the timer set in me would not stop nor would it slow, thus i have no choice so lets go with the flow. i sat up in bed, hair ruffled and voice muffled, and sorely climbed down the metallic ladder. my feet touched the ground, and felt the wooden planks. rough.
i zipped out of the house to meet my friend, and i boarded bus 7 to thy land. we bought a couple of drinks for her . and left as quick on a china blue cab. we talked and murmured , and laughed and sighed, but it was alas nothing we could hide. grey clouds beckoned and yet we smiled. and walked with hearts so heavy we nearly dragged. we went through the normal procedure and we felt numb. so very numb. we talked a bit more, and parted ways. we went on with life, and we hoped for the best.

oh and in normal reporting style, we went to watch gabby;s band perform at some ... odd location. gottah admit, gabby has skills with the guitar. i swear, the look on his face of utter joy + concentration, he'd never look like that at his own child i bet. HAHAHA. sorry gabby ..if by any chance youare reading this ... wicked skills ? hahahahahas. oh and i loved the girly who sang the japanese songs. omg. she was AWESOME. HER VOICE. AHHHHHHHHHHH. good. oh and vivo was fun (:

hahaahas. figuratively saying.

DION: My pants is hurting so much because I'm so fat
RACHELTAYKAIREI: it's totally not because of my cat
DION: I think its because i'm sad
RACHELTAYKAIREI: boil it bake it batter it bet
DION: I'm make the waffle and make you crap
RACHELTAYKAIREI: all that plus im wearing a hat !
DION: so maybe I should take off the hat
RACHELTAYKAIREI: or perhaps garner somemore bats ?
DION: Then maybe we can hang out and chat
RACHELTAYKAIREI: oh i see, but i ask where at ?
DION: I replied, maybe outside my flat?
RACHELTAYKAIREI: then id give you one tight slap
DION: I was confused and gave you the sack
RACHELTAYKAIREI: in which in response i gave you a whack
DION: I ask why you hit me twice you said i'm a fag
RACHELTAYKAIREI: i curse back : one day you will sag
DION: I apologised and handed you a check
RACHELTAYKAIREI: in which i gave you a pack
DION: So you wanna slack?
RACHELTAYKAIREI: back in the shack ?
DION: I ask where is the shack?
RACHELTAYKAIREI: i think you are suffering from jet lag
DION: I ask you again where is the shack?
RACHELTAYKAIREI: perhaps if you did remember i wouldnt have to think of a good come back.

i believe i pwn'ed him. but he wouldnt admit it.

2010-07-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

135pm Friday
Dear hailey,

IT FEELS GLORIOUS, waking up at such a timing, to such a perfect weather, and feeling utterly light. i managed to carry my all time favorite ritual of sitting on the kitchen counter, and eating a bowl of cereal, while only focusing on the pitter patter of the rain drops on to the pavement. and yes i am still in the kitchen ~ it is after all the most open air area in the house ~ ~ the wind finds it's way in here, and makes everything feel so cooling. (: *sways about* at moments like this, where im home with a laptop and the day presents itself so endearingly, i forget the reality of the world at some moments. then my twitter posts pops up, and i feel a tinge of stress+sadness eat back into me.
i wish the rain would not end.

oh and on a second note, a reflection on yesterday. sometimes, i wonder am i in the wrong to react that way. but i see no reason why people judge so ruthlessly. i mean, even so what she is doing is pathetic, but can you put yourself in her shoes, adding on all those anxiety problems the need to always have attention, this can be explains why we are wholesomely and sadly social creatures are we not ? i feel guilty. the taste of melancholy on my tongue, does not help me in any way either. sure we cant give her attention because she is so desperately reaching out, but really? is that the best we can do ? and the best way to do this, is give her weird glares when she is back ? give her judging looks, give her every bit of scrutiny but not give it to her, the way she wants it. my heart hurts this way. seeing what i've done. since she could do this for a cry of attention, what makes you think next time it wont occur ? why can't we soften our hearts, and see that life is so vulnerable. we all need help. it's a mad world.

oh and lastly. why should my blog be unprivatised. i've been through that phrase, of the whole scrutiny by the unknown people. i would like to think the reason that saying it's attention seeking, is because it was a cover up. i had many instances that i just didnt want a certain someone to read, thus i locked it up. that was my real reasoning, not the ideal one which was a cover up said. so my blog is here for people to read. who cares? do i know them ? yes and no ~ if people i know were to read my blog and speak of it amongst themselves, sure why not, there is no content here i am ashamed of ~ i am proud of hailey, and she is here for me to release my thoughts, before i feel so overwhelmed. and why should i care of who people i dont know think ? and id like to bet that no one reads my blog

the rain has stopped ... the wind ceased.

2010-07-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

wednesday 1222pm
Hai Hailey
i am tired yet again. this week is rough all over and i am falling asleep typing this. it is difficult. pretty much. uncalled for problems just pop up whenever and then and all ;< project due all, damn it. its going to be 3 days in a row before i can sleep like a dead man.

oh where the wind blows alright.

2010-07-27T04:02:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 709pm
Dear Hailey,
i am still in school, specifically the consultation room. and today i endured a slight roller coaster ride. i dont get what i did. did i not book the room thus you are angry ? situational factors? ah well. i dont think i should be affected right ? but somehow it makes me sad to think that i dont know what i did wrong. or in the end, perhaps im being too sensitive, then all the emotional trauma was for nothing. sighzzzzzzzzz. why do these things happen to me all the time ?

2010-07-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 1:48am
Dear Hailey,

I realized i only post in the wee hours of the day. this is a pretty disturbing revelation of my own patterns. as my father said, jet lag like system of ours. other than that, i am feeling a slight headache coming on. oh cruel world.

it is the night that beckons to me,and inbetween pearls of laughter calls forth to me, with arms wide open, with breath so sweet, and hair so silk, embrace me and guide me to where my dreams will be.

2010-07-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

Sunday 247am
HAIILLEEEYYY

THIS IS SO HORRIBLE. I CANT TUMBLR ! the site is down. the anguish i feel when i cant reblog all them nice pictures. it's horrifying me because i have nothing to do ! well i do have stuff to do, but id rather multitask. anyway, i just updated my music list, and boy is it such a contradiction ~ electronic and jazz. so sleek and upbeat, im getting estactic at this weird hour of the day ~ " come on people jazzhands ! show me them jazzhands ! stop it twinkletoes!* (: teeheee.
on and a summary of today, was well family filled. evening was well family movie time ! we watched sorcerer's apprentice. a fairly lousy show with a lousy plot, but the graphics were nice (: so give and take. i enjoyed myself despite this child in the row behind, spilling the whole box of popcorn at my feet.

muzik playlist ?
Delete the elite
The love language
Jaga jazzist

i miss thunderstorms.

2010-07-24T04:34:00.000-07:00

Saturday 743pm
Dear Hailey,

what does it mean to have that special someone ? i look at couples and taste bile at the back of my throat. not your everyday girl like reaction eh? i can't help it. anyway, i bought a pretty cute bag today (: im a happy girl, and my other family members are happy members too because they got an ipad today. zomg ;/ sighs. so expensive. i was using my shopping mind to convert how much clothing i could have gotten out of that purchase. too. many. my brain just folded in on itself. hahahas.

2010-07-23T11:29:00.000-07:00

Saturday 236am
Dear Hailey,

i had to post something funny about harrypotter during the half blood prince sequel. he drinks the lucky potion, and i wished he stayed on it throughout the movie. he is so freaking hilarious !! HAHAHAHAHA. not forgetting the pincers *cla cla cla* hahaha funny hand actions !!!!!! ohhh and the best part is that the horusss doode goes, harry * in a totally disapproving tone* being his high weird self harry replies, sirrrrrrrrrrrr *mimicking the same tone* hahahaha. zomgggg. so freaking hilarious !

oh and on a side note, it;s been really fun seeing all your faces 4e1'09. i missed being so noisy with you guys <3. this should be a tradition, waraku and icecream at marinasquare (: moments were funny. i guess poly people changed the most eh ? hahahahas. so many different experiences. sighs. oh and random fact sharing was fun eh greg ? hahahahas.
i think i should be done pretty much here. i really should ... focus on studying huh ? sighs. major major sighs.

2010-07-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

Friday 1201pm
Dear Hailey,

I just got home from bringing nitro to the veterinarian ~ it was an interesting experience i would like to say. But first off, bless the man who offered me a ride because i was looking quite pathetic, trying to hail a cab for half an hour. thank you sir, as much as i declined the offer (: i had a hunch this would happen one day and it did ! i now believe the world isnt so much of a condemned place. oh and if you wondering why i didnt panic and scream about that a weird man was trying to get me a ride, well i was inferring. he had a christian post it on the car window thingy, +1 for upright assumption, then he was driving a family car, with toys in it! +2 for family man ! so in summary ! i concluded that he wasnt a man of ill intentions ! (:
At the clinic, i was in for a treat of the ears ~ there was this man there, whom was dressed uniquely. tight tight tight tight spandex tight like jeans, studded belt, droopy glasses in a skull hoody. so you might think he looks cool but well, when he stood up, there were studs at his crotch area too. interesting. interesting. then he started speaking to strangers about his Husband, how the rabbit twins treat em like papa mama.
he is cool in a sense that, he doesnt hide it. he lives at lorong k too.
HAHAHAHAHA.

a nice start to the day and its going to be a longgggggg day <3.

2010-07-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

thursday 1040pm
Dear Hailey,

I am so tired ;/ it isnt really funny anymore. i am going to sleep soon. after editing my sociology slides, after my counseling script editing and lastly my cross cultural ppt editing. life is difficult. plus other things.
Cause we all live self centered ly. i miss the laughs we had.
sorry.

2010-07-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

Wednesday 9:41PM
Dear hailey.
i just stumbled upon 5 stacks of chocolate artfully hidden in the refrigerator. what is the meaning of this ? someone has a major case of p.m.s ? i doubt so. anyway, im just in such a floaty mood now, not grasping the fact that my 30% of a grade is dependent on tomorrow, perhaps i shant sleep tonight ;/ ugh. i'd feel like a total, nuthead. water i trust in you to keep me awake. and on a side note, sighs projects are being a total sad thing to me. i dont know why sometimes i lose the mask i hold up so well, in need of a moment of ugliness, a whiney bitchy thing. i dont want to think im like that. because im not. people should not judge, but who am i to say ? it;s rude. heh. oh and today;s chewable topic is ... think about automatic behaviors such as blinking and breathing, now you are more conscious of them, you realise them. and do you realise the fear that, since they are so automatic, you have no idea whatz the process of carrying them out. like walking down steps, if you think which feet goes before the other, next thing you know you are stumbling down the stairs. ah the agony i feel when walking down the stairs.

oh and on a side note. I SUPPPPPORT YOU EMIL (EMAIL) CHEONG !

RMB, you beeeetch, here i come, to slit your neck and stake your heart. and burn your remains.
freak.

2010-07-20T04:59:00.000-07:00

Monday 8:07pm
Dear Hailey,

i am contemplating on shaving the side of my head. is it a little too hardcore? naomi is trying to brainwash me into it ! although it is hellllllah cool like ;D today was cool, in the sense i stalked Joseph Gordon Levitt all the way (: tumblr twitter and his clothes line media like webbie ~ it's still controllable ~ so yeah. it;s going to be a slightly shorter post today, pretty wrung up from school still. the 30% rmb test is going to kill me this thursday

i'm tired again. life requires too much effort, and thus i ask people out there, how do you wake up everymorning and find the energy to smile and continuously carry the routine ?

2010-07-19T08:36:00.001-07:00

monday 11:42pm

Dear Hailey,
can Love In The First by bananarama be any more addictive? i found myself instantly "mood-lifted" by it ~ talk about music for the soul ! the delicious tunes of 80s pop music. i wonder how do people not listen to music. it defines, it cures, it helps one to breathe ~ Anyway today was really fun ~ first off, as much as im stressing out due to school, it's awesome that we managed to catch inception, (zomg this show is so good you'd kill yourself if you dont watch it, that and it's sooo organismic ~ no this is not because of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, ok maybe a little but) he looked so good in the show, as much as this fancy has a tint of obsession and a pinch of uselessness and a reflection of a school girl crush like phase, damn it, he is handsome (: no judging y'all. Oh yes as i was saying, Inception is honestly a good movie. Built on the concept that dreams, as true as it is, is built up by us, modified to our desire, twisted to our every decision. the team consisting of actors, architects and a chemist. imagine a dream within a dream and yet in another dream. 3 levels. going so deep, with time perception horrendously tampered with, you can feel like it's only 30s in the first, the 2nd level would mean 3 minutes and in the 3rd level it might mean 20 minutes. so imagine the deeper you go in, it may be 2 minutes in reality, but you might be enduring a life of loneliness for half a century. Because? you lost your hold on reality. you can no longer tell what is real or subconscious ~ you are all wrinkled, half your life gone, and then this man comes to tell you, to wake up from the dream, you wake up a young man again.
oh man it's so goooooooooood ! *jumps up and down, dances a little here and there* please watch it you. yes you, im looking at you right now, *maintains eye contact* teehee <3

oh, developmental was a mood dampening ~ i was told today that it was best not to share your problems with anyone. because there is proof that not talking about it is indeed the best, co-rumination leads to depression ! ahhhhh. i should never share my worries with anyone any more? i might explode ? no no see that's me exaggerating ~ oh, on a lighter note, we were dancing in class today. to what clubber muzzzzik you ask? tsk here are the lyrics:
Cho Chang
Domo arigato, Cho Chang
Gung Hey Fat Choy, Chang
Happy Happy New Year, Cho Chang
- A VERY POTTER MUSICAL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUUZbgOPFLY
soknai and i were dancing to the cho chang part, so many times we failed. hahahas, it was really really really fun. i bet the guys totally judge us.

so, that was my day. i love you guys as usual, thanks for making my day.

2010-07-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

monday 0020hour
Dear Hailey,
Odie is staring into the blank space next to my sister who is sleeping on the floor. He continues to ignore my beckoning for him. nitro just jumped out of the table like some high jump pro athlete. and im here freeezing, and wishing i did not have to study the night away. i was speaking to my bff just now ~ he says, that im a weirdestass girl, how can i be replaceable. but i find no reassurance in those, well not in application to... maybe just maybe, if i deleted my facebook, blocked my blog, maybe this would make me feel a little better.

after all, what's one normal girl like me missing from your life going to make a difference. you'd pretty much be the same old same old, get another girl to talk to in 2s. dont ask me why im like that, it's like asking me why am i a girl. think before you ask. we girls have insecurities, masked up pretty well.

au'revior
you

2010-07-18T02:54:00.000-07:00

2010-07-18T01:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Hailey,
life is difficult now ): i can't handle the work load being thrown at me. i need to breathe.
ultimate ): now.

2010-07-17T04:43:00.000-07:00

Saturday, 10 minutes to 8pm.
Good evening Hailey,

today has been.. HORRENDOUS. IM SLEEPING SO MUCH ! ;< though i did do a little studying, which i will be continuing throughout the wee hours of the night. so that's the compensation there. oh study study study study my head off. that and, sighs projects and homework, not fun. so much for not slacking today. i didn't really slack today .. just ... didn't talk to anyone today. so there goes social ties again. it's tiring. plus, im in another trance like state. gahhhhhhhhh >:8

on a side note, man, is that really my hair ? it looks so ... plain. this is highly disturbing !
today shall be a slightly shorter post. i need to get out of my room, its as though i didnt leave my room today ~

ps: humans are fools for being so self centered.

2010-07-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

saturday 2:08am
Dear Hailey,

perhaps one day, id attempt to give form to you. Imagine how'd you actually look like through my eyes. but somehow i feel that one look, would be a mixture of a million looks. id like to think you look mature since whatever im telling you seems to make one prematurely grey dont you think ? (:
It has been a long day. or well, an eventful, or well .... eye opening day i guess. to be more matter of fact like. it's tough again. maybe ima take up praying ... in a less formal way ? is it formal?
and perhaps i should put up a tag like board. i hate cbox, but i like comments, so how do i do that without moving to wordpress. eeegads.

(i love you sweetie)

2010-07-16T01:08:00.000-07:00

The grey skies outside wept torrents of tears, yet inside a family gathered.
"mommah ?" her daughter tugged relentlessly on her sleeve. She looked up from burying her face in her palms, to meet the bright eager eyes of her 4 year old daughter. " mommah, why is everyone so sad ?", " because dear, your sister is not well", she motioned impatiently at her other beloved daughter, who had most definitely seen better days before. " but mommah", she persisted on " if everyone were so sad and mopey monster around her, wouldnt that make her sad too?" Her mother looked intently at her youngest daughter, and was in a slight shock to hear such simple yet impact filled words that made so much sense. she pushed the hair behind the ear of her daughter, and said in an endearing voice, " yes my little angel, you are right, thank you for reminding mommy about that" and she smiled, smiled a glorious smile for the first time for 2 weeks.
A rainbow painted itself across the sky, as the mother looked out the window, she thought to herself " for her i shall be strong, for her i shall plaster a smile on my face, because when she opens her eyes, i will be there to welcome her with this smile, so i will keep smiling."
Her phone rang. she looked at the unknown number, and decided to pick up. "hello ? is this the mother of ... ?" "yes i am" " oh, im terribly sorry to disturb you but may we, yes a friend and i are downstairs, and perhaps we could visit ...", " sure sure you are welcomed". she looked on at her daughter. it was time for her medication, and her daughter's friends were coming, she had to wrap a small little bubble around her heart once more.

downstairs, the girl paced. she expected the worst, but the worst did not prepare her for what she was to witness. Her eyes wells up with tears that she wished the mother didnt see. As if the mother needed to see another crying face, a face that reads despair and of zero hope. a face that looked as though there were no cure. the girl rubbed furiously at her eyes, clawing her eyes even. yet the ocean water strong and persistently tainted her cheeks. she inched closer to where her friend laid down and choked out the words she wanted to say ... After which she left. they sat at the stand outside the hospital. both staring off into the sky. both not saying a word

2010-07-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

Hailey ?

i need to forget things. or more accurately, help maintain pretty pictures of people. why can't everyone just be someone better? i mean, in my small whiney opinion. yesterday was just a reinforcement to why... and how 3 things failed miserably for me.
my heart's twisted like a Hurricane.Tornado.

seated near the rain isnt a good idea ;/ garatte is getting little neon green specks on his screen.
i think it's time i shut off again. everyone else is too unhealthy for me.

2010-07-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

The inner turmoil like a raging fiery beast set loose on it's quest to reign over the world. hatred that feeds his soul, eyes that burn with anguish, heart that pumps the suffering of millions through his veins. He was sent from Hell, released and sworn to revenge.
He roams earth in search with underlings dubbed after the 7 sins. They spread their seed all over the world, slowly yet surely, they know they will triumph. at night when you sleep, they creep into your dreams, they throw flashing neon paint splatters and lay you there in a clutter. they dance around you in delight, they yowl and howl with utter glee at your body sprawled across the floor. you try to awake, but they pull you back into the pit, and tie your limbs down so very tight, with rope that cut into your flesh infested with fleas that bite and gnaw. you fear for your life and all things right. they sharpen a knife over the cackling amber fire, you bleat out a whimper if you thought it was possible, but that you nothing but a kick in your gut and you double over spewing a mixture of saliva blood and teeth onto the floor. the sins look bemused and there was a sudden glint to their eyes, you back away cautiously as they advance towards you, you trip over a lark and hit your head hard, the last thing you knew you woke up without a heart.

this world is messed up. it's not fair. it's not right anymore. how could this happen ? it's not right ! IT JUST GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I KNOW. WHAT HAPPENED TO GOOD PEOPLE GET REWARDS AND BAD PEOPLE THEIR JUST DESSERTS. WHY ON EARTH IS THERE SUCH A MESSED UP WORLD ? it's not right. it's just freaking as hell not right. i'm angry that i've been deceived all these years. that my prettily painted pictures have been set ablaze right before my eyes. utter disappointment in everything.

2010-07-14T07:10:00.001-07:00

14th July, 1017pm, wednesday

Hello hailey !

at times like this i wish to privatize my blog. not that i think many people read it, but still, there might be people reading it (hello sokyee). curious and even curious-er, am i happy the way i am, or would i be happy being someway else. oh the comparisonzzzz ;O the total difference between the way i am and the way she was like, or another other girl. i wonder why am like this. i dont want anyone to understand this. it's something worth chewing on, on bus rides to school and on bus rides home. it's a little disturbing you see, that i can't answer my own quetions

id imagine a life totally parallel from what i have now, and it makes me wonder.
so very much.
i need to find joy some where. but maybe, i dont know what i have till its gone.

anyway, school has been pretty stressful lately. maybe because of all the due dates and upcoming exams. life is difficult. life is difficult, i want so much more, and yet i stand still, awaiting for something to happen. when will the trigger come ?

wont someone be my anchor to the world ?

goodbye.

2010-07-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

You, doing that thing you do
Breaking my heart into a million pieces.

(i need to drown.)

2010-07-13T04:15:00.001-07:00

harrrrrlow hailey (:

sniff sniff sniffles. taking a cat nap at 5pm has always been a reward i give myself whenever i return home in the afternoon. however, the words from my mommah always resonates through my mental mind, sleeping when the sun is that hot will only result in you having a headache when you wake up, and alas when my eyes opened at 7pm, ahhhh my head ;< why do parents always have to be right ? hahahahs. my room feels so stuffy. ack. i feel slightly irritable ): sigh, oh weather oh weather, why are you so horrible ? it makes me sad.

2010-07-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

oh hailey

today has been pretty tough again. with the major cramming for the test consisting of 20%, i think it was kind of worth it ;D i think sometimes, you have to learn to step a step back when people have other ... commitments, and well if the situation calls for it fade out. maybe you think im exaggerating but no, it's always this case right ? enough about my thoughts. i dont think a guy should be led on. as egoistic creatures, they sometime need to suffer a slight trauma to the brain ( or well in this case heart ) to come back into reality. i'm so negative about relationships now, im like a sour owl man ): why am i this way? ohhhhh no. no more no more. wait one more thing. to boggle minds, and not so boggle minds.

id like to think i know you well
infact inside out
you strut you swagger you smile
within
you cry lungs out.

yeah. im fighting feelings everyday. internal battle man. that's how the hobbits in Shire do it.
fast and hard (?)
sighs.

2010-07-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

2010-07-11T09:33:00.000-07:00

Monday, 0040 hour

Hello Hailey,
i am two more chapters away till im done and i feel oddly in a daze. i always catch myself daydreaming when trying to study. it worries me. to be able to jump .20 in gpa this semester, is well pretty much crazy talk. i can only pray. and well, clock in more hours as a student. i need the gpa ;/ and i tell myself that everyday. every few hours. you might ask am i grilling myself too hard? hardly likely. if i were, id have my ideal grade.

oh and the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, has a Type A personality.
why you ask ?
he is always on the go, and always pressed for time (:

at times like this i wonder, should i ever find the need to text someone in the middle of the night to find comfort in, wouldnt it be such a chore ? why is everyone hopping in and out of relationships as though it was a pretty nonchalant thing ? or well pretty much, in the case of ambiguity. that bites more. you think that he likes you, you think you like him, and you two do nothing but leave it hanging ? not that im shooting it down, but where's the security in that? oh. ohhhh. i guess i suffered a case of egocentrism. ah well.

ive prolonged my time here, time to hunt for snacks to munch on. the day is starting.
before the sun peaks its nosy head, i bid ye farewell ;3

2010-07-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

hello hailey ~

it's been a full day of studying. no, that isnt a good thing. im not clocking in the sufficient amount of hours. oh my 20% i must have you even if i dont sleeeeeep tonight. i must i must. meowmeowmeow. harrypotter is playing in the background. courtesy of sokyeeeeeee, you torrenting machine.HAHA. or quoting from bigbangtheory, *you magnificent beast*
i've been thinking alot again. facebook is just not healthy for me. i see i stalk i get pretty worked up. that age with that look, and that body and that activity judgement judgement judgement. judging. 101010101010101010101. (teehee)
i know that the upcoming week is going to be rough all over. so ... im pretty bummed out already. and the week following that, is going to be a punch in the gut with 3 times the exact strength of my next upcoming week? follow me ? no? sorry ;<

did you know that if a staircase is off by just 2mm, you'd trip ?
thankyou shelllllllllllllldon !

hopefully, i get to count catwomen to sleep later.
go holland and spain !!

2010-07-10T10:01:00.001-07:00

you'd always have it your way...
depressingly. it's my flaw.

2010-07-10T08:25:00.000-07:00

dearrrrr hailey

today can be summed up by 3 words,
stalking, shopping, family (:
today was the day to carry out our social psych project. Does norm formation in clothing style occur in groups ? so it led to 4 of us, tiara sok nai and i, stalking people the whole day, taking down their gender,age,footwear,bottom,top,footwear,hairstyle oh and the colour of all too. it was fun, and exciting. we stalked people all around Ion orhard for two hours, and managed to come across 60 odd groups. i was coupled with tiara to stalk guys *thankyou, you up there* (hahahash ignore that). men and their, jeans and crew cut. i swear. anyway, after tiara and i were done, we headed over to ngeeann city where sok and nai were, on the way there, we saw a couple of people who held up signs that said " free high fives", "free fist bumps" both which we enthusiastically entertained, till the last sign "free kisses" yeahhh, we kindah rejected him. though he did look pretty goood ;/ but no. against everything i know that is right. hahahahs. doode whom we rejected nice red headband. but red appeals to men more .... so unless? (:
Moving on to the second part, shopping. hellll yeah. shopping at scape youth park. helllah to all the stores. i got some pretty awesome buys. THANKYOU MORRRGAN <3. as expected from someone who dons on the coolest clothing only. man. i liked being able to shop today. it has been quite a while since i had this 2 hour non stop hunting (: ! courtesy of naisokdaitiawahhh (:
and lastly, after all that shopping i went to catch DESPICABLE ME at bugis. oh lord how you torment me, fiddling with my string of life, tying it to places i hate. why oh why ? i saw someone whom i very much never want to see. yeah. that is the painful truth that i do not hide. (he may very well be reading this, again i say stay far far far far far away from me. you freak me out with all the pathetic stalking ;/) anyway, i liked despicable me ! it was a pretty kewlllll movie (: not that mind blowing but nice.

it's been a prreeeeeeettttty long day.
and i like to forget the bad things of the days before.
it still bugs me, why that look of disgust kid ? ;<

2010-07-08T05:52:00.000-07:00

Haileyyyyyy ;<

i have a major headache. it's not funny at all. today was pretty rough all over for me. i need sand paper. it all started with a swollen eye. i think its some illness.. yeah i just googled it. too many scary things for me to read and give myself an induced heart attack. plus im feeling pretty nauseated. and this slight headachy feeling. i think i would have to hit the hay way earlier today. and hopefully i wont get a nightmare. sighs. nitro is self entertaining himself with the two pin plug. zooming all around the room, scrambling here and there. oh no. he is suffering an induced adhd moment. AHHHH HE JUMPED INTO MY CUPBOARD. sighs.

i think the next few weeks, are going to be tiring.
oh and yay for catching up with janjan and fabby today ;D

i feel horrrrrrribly sick now. ugh.

2010-07-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

hai hailey ;3

i'm pretty washed out right now. but im trying to do more for my essay, then i can do an early submission ;D on a side note. i had fun today. i MISSED YOU GUYS LIKE CRAZEEHHHHHHHHH <3<3<3<3<3<3. i like how i can forget about whose looking at me, and make all the noise i want, because im young and reckless that way. you only live once you know, so why be so anal retentive, let the reigns loose, and shake your hair out of your ponytail ~ ;D teehee. I met debbiezx after school, and we made our way to parkway to meet cherylzx ~ the bus ride which we stood the whole way,was no joke. i tell ye. after arriving and meeting cheryl, we went to katong to play l4d2. hallllejulahhhhhhh. how stress relieving it was ;D. well, mainly all the shocks i got from the infected popping out of no where, and the screaming. and yes i screamed my lungs out. ah well ;/ what happens there, stays in there. so .... heh heh ?shuyi came by soon, and we just started the game. yeah debbiezx grew a beard while waiting for the computers to start up. sheeeesh. i felt my hair growing. tsk. anyway, it was an awesome one game. and as usual we got a nice doode to help us in the game to lead us ;DD. thank you starlightbeam. i lubezxzx chuzxzzz. and sorry for screaming your game name so much when i was attacked, or when you were attacked. pretty anxious. (hahahahas). after that 2.70 game, we left for anything with fries. a really nice place to eat at ! i recommend !! the files were bare, and the walls were lined with books. yes books ! children books ~ they earn a gold star from me for that. we talked and we chewed ~ laughed and talked. i wish i had more time.

i love you guys (: SHUYI DEBORAH CHERYL.

2010-07-06T21:47:00.001-07:00

dear hailey

i am in school, and it is 15 minutes to 1o'clock. it feels pretty surreal, i am falling asleep in class and trying very much to stay awake now. A meeting is due at 1o'clock too, thus i neeeeeeed to stay awake ;/ ~ life is tough this way. i think. no wait, who am i to complain about life being tough ? ;/ im not a starving child there in africa. oh talking about children, it has dawned on me, why do we only celebrate children's life when they require special attention, why can;t we appreciate children the way they are ? they are a new life, they harness the potential, at least a few levels above ours ! we shouldnt wait till they are dying to show them how special they are. then again, worshipping the child like that would spoil him, ah the agony of double standards. im tired about . im tired.
hahahahas, i would like to sleep, but i am still looking forward to tonight ! ;D i miss them so much. teeeeheeee. hope i manage to be my normal non tired self !

hello you stranger. if i dont speak to you, would you speak to me ?
i doubt so.

2010-07-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Hailey,

today has been a tad interesting, and fun ~ despite missing design school's AGM, we 3 still managed to send our regards to them, before the event, and left to take a bus down to tao payoh to pay our respect to michelle's grandmother who passed away just recently. after that, we 6 headed out to dine at serangoon initially, but we ended up around in between geylang and bugis ? yeah, apparently the map had issues. yes i am not going to go and be a victim of fundamental attribution error ( if it is what i remember correctly it is) thus i blame the map. perhaps it might have been wrong ! thus we had dinner at some unknown place with good laksa, but did not manage to eat laksa as a result of the store being closed. evil thing. then we had desert, tau huay ! ;D

im not sure, but the feeling was good i guess? i like to be out at night ;D

going to be a really packed year ahead ;< !

2010-07-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

Good evening Hailey (:

It is 2 minutes to 11pm, and i am feeling exceptionally fatigue. i am contemplating on sleeping right now, but it doesn't feel right. but i have a feeling im going to give in soon. it has been a rather long day, packed with laughter and oh so many conversations. oh now i remember why was it rather draining, i think due to the contagious mood (glares at naomi liew shi yu and leong sok yee) while watching harry potter and the philosopher;s stone, i am slightly more drained. it's not everyday, you watch harrypotter, squeal at hedwig, and small draco malfoy and hermoine granger giving you goosebumps, and swear at dudley the dry prune. teehee ;>
oh ! and i met all the awesome bizbiz people i miss terribly so ;> that makes me pretty happy! bizbiz agm was rather tiring too i guess, seeing that most of the p10 were on the stairway. hahahahas, the advisors really cant be bothered with non bizbiz students, that is nice to know. so much for acknowledging us you old people ;< ! may your calculators spoil ! ( yeah im using a lousy stereotype for bizbiz people)

on a side note.
my condolences. the departure of a loved one, however close is never easy for one to handle. i would like to hold your hand, and tell you, it's ok you dont have to be strong, it's ok to cry it all out. my shoulder is here, and my arms wide open.
be strong!

on a side side note, im looking forward to design;s agm tomorrow. the school that i admire and want to be so much other than HSS. hahahhas.
with that, i bid the world a good night ~

2010-07-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

we are our own devil.

2010-07-04T02:24:00.000-07:00

dear hailey,

the air, it tastes of filth and grime. that slick layer of oil at the tip of my tongue. why do i feel a churning sick gut feel, in the pit of my stomach? what are the hands of god, have in plan for me ?

2010-07-02T23:02:00.001-07:00

Good afternoon hailey.

jin said something interesting, if you see no progression in it, what;'s the point. hmmmm. makes me chew on my inner cheek a little. (so i bid ye farewell.)

i like how im talking to old friends again, i miss them. i need more time. i need a lot more time. it's difficult to try to keep all these people closer. here;s the analogy, im holding on to strings that represent my friendships, each finger is tied to one. and i have only 10 fingers. and i change the strings im holding on to at times, and some are pretty constantly tied on. then comes the problems represented by a pair of scissors ~ they snap the strings, some return some never. then spontaneously combust for reasons unknown, some ignite, some flash so brightly, they attract me to pull them closer. then, they dull a little, and somehow, i release my grasp on the string.

so today;s been an exact reflection of how the weather was. a serene laid back day spent at home (: i love the weather, it was so soothing.

2010-07-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

this intense pounding in my chest
the uncontrollable racing of that ruby red muscle
today has been very very much eventful again. i like my life this way, makes me feel more alive than usual. at least im not someone who hides behind the computer screen all day. but alas the emotional consequences attached to this are much, well a lot less desirable.
i miss.
I wish.
i consider.
i despise.
i shy away from.
i learn.

HSS AGM, was rocking (: i feel that hsssc would be able to reach greater heights ! ;D so many lovelovelove messages from the other studies clubs, i less than 3 all of'em. and and and, again, it feels soooooo exhilarating !

other than that, a rain cloud just appeared. and there seems to be a hole in my umbrella ;<

2010-06-30T09:14:00.001-07:00

Dear Hailey,
i think i am allowed to digress for a while am i not ? ok, maybe not but still, a little while wont hurt ((: and a little music wont hurt me too. anyway, music soothes the soul. i think i want to compile a list of things that makes me feel good just by being itself. like how listening to music, or enjoying the sun at 8am, or maybe sleeping early, or perhaps even looking at the breath taking sky, watching the rain clouds gather in, listening to the car roaring to life, can make me feel content. back to the topic.
two guys in a day to take my breath away, not that im being very superficial, but it's interesting how awe struck ( in a very lose sense) i am by their presence. Guy B, was seen in Mensa, his head was a mass of corn rolls, with a band over his forehead, jamaican colours. he looked stunningly pretty. yes my weaknesses for pretty boiiz, what am i to do? im a sucker for them all. He had slightly fair skin, and his eyes sent out messages that seemed so deep that .. oh no no no, i know what you are thinking, rachel;s being all that again, it's not that, im just ... well, giving details. anyway, he just looked ultra bad ass. i refuse to stoop to the level of those girly girls who swoon over and over again over some dooode ok. i shant ! it was just an interesting encounter~ but people who look so cool, and have that aura, have gone through a lot more, and are a little more out of reach than the norm. the untouchables and the rebellionz.
just like Guy Z, spotted through facebook surfing. An obvious hardcore doode with a band, and a knack for moshing. His wholeeee front portion has a really huge tattoo. it looks good. but why ? proving something to the world ? am i too stereotypical to say you are one kid that is still struggling to find yourself ? maybe not maybe not. i like your tattoos ;3 i think you talk well too.

but who am i to say anything ? im judging again.
a minor flaw. but it's only human no ? (:

kornnnn rolllllllz.
look so gooooooooooooood.
and that will be the end of it. unless well you know how fate works ? ;S
yeah i think id stop here before i get hate mail in the form of thoughts.

2010-06-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

2010-06-29T07:06:00.001-07:00

Hello hailey

it's been a rough day all over. well maybe not rough, eventful would be a more accurate word to use. so many emotions in one day, it should be illegal. euphoria, anguish, fear, worry. i bet you noticed a trend between some of the words, most were negative emotions. but hey, i wouldnt have changed anything if i were to redo today
so that's there, id summarize my messages.

i love you two. undeniably. you two are such awesome people in my life. it hurts me to see you cry, which makes the other sad, so dont shed those tears, it isnt going to be what you think it might be. i wont let that happen. i promised. you are like sunshine, the rain should never fall upon you. never <3.

Get well you other two. both getting asthma ~ both dancers. it intrigues me so. like are all dancers around the world facing such an health issue suddenly ;DDD ! woooops. should be smiling here. hahahas. get well get well <3

and well, other than that, was more than a little upset over the ant bite on my shoulder and stomach ;/ what's up man ant. want a female ant huh? trying to make me morph into one ? damn it. the swell was hugeeeee, gabby+nai were saying how its a hickey from an ant. funnnnneh. T-T well, on the plus side, the swell is gone, on the down side, the ant was killed by me.

projects due. stuff due. universities to consider. life never does end does it ? i look forward to everyday.
treasuring it.

oh and tpsu agm was fun (: i feel as though being part of hsssc has opened up a new chapter of my life. meeting people who could be the world;s next leaders. being inspired.

2010-06-28T06:19:00.000-07:00

Gooooood evening hailey ! (:

It's been a pretty good monday thus far. mostly, it was because on the car ride back with my parents, i was able to share with them the events in my life. that makes me feel satisfied to a certain extent ;> ! makes home feel so much more homey, and loving. yeahhh (: im glad. im glad. im glad.
then im not so glad, a little sad infact as the day progresses, those happy thoughts fade away, and im left with grey grey grey sad thoughts. you still affect me the way you do. with that presence
i'd like to take an xray to see if the way im wired is actually normal, or perhaps the mri scan ? cat scan ? no ?;/
It's going to be a good week. it's going to be a good week, im going to hold on to that notion, let nothing dampen my mood. even you. cause you really dont deserve it. when you do nothing at all do you ? hahahahahas (:

i'm loving my tumblr still. images pictures.
so pretty.
im stalking cats like an old lady with no life ;DDDDD !

and kudos to naomi ~ john mayer, is sexxxxxxxxxy. eargasm ~ as she put it.
oh and again, thanks to nainai + sok, i might be considering slicing my hair, slope it, ultra long fringe. sounds gooooooood.
long hair should you wait? wait for me k ? ima wait around nowz.

i;ve been blessed with a loving family and awesome friends.
i thank you up there. well, i didnt specify whose up there cause who knows where my beliefs would lead me to one day :3

2010-06-27T11:44:00.001-07:00

Goood morning hailey, it is nearing 3am, and i have lecture in 6hours !
but i have to get this off my chest.
i have been wondering was it in built in me, a thing that might intrigue those who study the biology of behavior, the way my brain is wired that i turned out this way. i look through facebook, and see pictures of overjoyed faces while clubbing, going all out, doing wild stuff. have i been conditioned to think that happiness is doing things that are immoral ? i feverishly hope not. it would be the worst kind of conditioning. everrrrrr. I reflect on my life, what did i miss out? i look at these photos, is this something i should be partaking in? why do these girls look so pretty? can i comfort myself by saying girls who club are ugly in personality ? i dont think it'd help me because, they are both pretty and sociable in flesh actually.

then i came to a conclusion. we always sought after what we do not have. yearn what we are missing.
is this part of being an adolescent ? or perhaps a thing that everyone faces?
somehow, it would so seem that i am seeking every experience possible.
cause why not ? im young, vibrant and eager.
sometimes, one needs to learn a lesson to realize, it's actually time to surface from the water. being underwater, too long is a little too dangerous, and may result in life threatening events.
doing stupid things, giving you a momentarily high, is that all worth it ?

i'm thinking of things this way that way.
the past present and future.
it hurts me a little time to time, to say it would never be the same again.
and it's all my
f.
a.
u
l.
t.

2010-06-27T09:19:00.001-07:00

hello hailey ~

i just spent the last 4 hours on tumblr. and yes my tumblr, LIVES (:
http://psychedelisch.tumblr.com/
check it out i guess?
i love using pictures this way. makes things more .. fulfilling i guess. teehee. its about 0030am. im starting my social assignment about now ~
i've been thinking a bit. like what makes you want to ask why do i act as so ? stop pulling me to the same level as you. i can handle and control myself. or well, maybe putting it more correctly, i have nothing to hide, i outrightly show my preference and affections, but do not take it that way. it;s not that way at all. im proud to say, im managing again, all a matter of convincing yourself first i say. isnt is always ?(:
i would strive to be in a state where i dont, cant be bothered with anything. in a loose sense. a counsellor (: we care for them professionally.

my tumblr is sooooooo pretty (:
and my mooozik has finally been transferred to garatte !!